I Remember Those Days

I remember those days…

Days when I would be so tired at night my eyes closed before my head hit the pillow and I couldn't  even remember falling asleep.

Days when sleep would not come because all I could think about was that child, that fever, that struggle

Days when the things they said made laugh so hard my eyes watered and my abs hurt

Days when the things they said made me wail in the deepest part of the night

Days when it seemed like I spent the entire day teaching them to behave and spanking when needed and insisting they just sit in a chair and be still

Days when we read book after book after book and when I got to the last chapter they said, "please read some more"

Days when we would shop and I would buy new clothes for them and I would let them choose some of their outfits and they were so excited and then later they would ask, "Why did you let me choose that?" And "Why did you let me wear that?"

Days when it was time to go to bed and I would sit in the rocking chair and sing songs to them and hear the click click click of the rocker and think how much I loved being a mother and nothing could be better than this moment

Days when I did not realize how fast time would pass even though many women who'd walked before me told me it would.  It was so easy to think they just didn't remember or they just didn't get it or understand how long and hard some of my days were.  But they knew.  

Days when I would tell my children, "I'm saving those for my grandchildren," and all the while thinking grandmothering was so far away

Days when it got dark earlier than expected and we would sit in the living room and turn out all the lights and look at the raccoons playing in the yard

Days when it seemed like time was standing still and other days time was fast forwarding and I couldn't keep up

Crawling, walking, running, driving, graduating - all those things just happened

Days when the day went by so fast and I didn't blink yet  it still went from sunrise to sunset and I wondered, "What happened?"

Days when I would hold them so tightly and think if I just hold them, they will stay this age a little while longer

Days when they told me I was the very best mom in the whole world

Days when they told me I was the very worst mom in the whole world

 Days when I felt like both the best and the worst mom all wrapped up into one

Days of going to the beach and running and hearing their voices in the wind and knowing that they were growing up yet wanting to hold onto every minute

Days when they threw temper tantrums in the store and screamed so loudly that I thought everyone was judging me and I couldn't wait to get out

Days when their behavior was so amazing that people would ask me how is it that I have such well behaved children

Days when the heartbreak I felt was so deep I did not know if I would ever recover

Days when my heart was so full  with joy and pride and amazement that I did not know if I would ever recover

Days when I looked at their daddy and thought I cannot imagine raising them without him

Days when the house was so noisy and so filled with activity I wondered if quiet could ever exist again

Days when quiet was so loud and noise was so quiet

Days when I just held onto God but mostly He just held onto me

He is so faithful.  He really is.  

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