On Being the Strong-Willed Child

Sometimes I get questions about how to handle a strong-willed child. I was talking to a young mother last week about this very thing. After our conversation, I began reflecting on my own journey as a very strong-willed child, because, yes, I was not only strong-willed, but I was incredibly stubborn.

After I was engaged, my parents came to Chapel Hill, and took Carl and me out to dinner. I don't remember what we ate. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember my dad jokingly saying to Carl something like, "Good luck! Audrey was stubborn. We had to half-kill her  to get her to obey!"

Though his words stung, he was right. I was stubborn. I wanted my own way no matter what. And I thought my own way was the right way.

However, my parents, particularly my mother, did not give in to my strong will. My mom had a calm, no-nonsense way about her. She let me work it out on my own. But she still made me do what I had to do. Sometimes I got a spanking and sometimes I had to sit it out. As I reflect on it, I realize how very wise she was in the way she handled my strong will.

For example, when my siblings and I were growing up (two boys and two girls), we had to take turns cleaning the kitchen after supper. I remember once when it was my turn, I was convinced  I could go outside and play and not do the dishes - when it was clearly my night to do them. I bounded out the door with the screen door slamming behind me. I was poised for my mom to bound out behind me to remind me that it was my turn to do the dishes. However, she didn't. She didn't come. Neither did she say anything to me - she just waited. And, after all my playing, I walked back into the house to see all the dirty dishes still on the kitchen table and stove. I immediately started whining about it, shouting, "This isn't fair!"

In her calm, no-nonsense way, she said something like, "You made the job harder because you neglected your job and did what you wanted to do. You had a good time outside and now you're gonna have to work harder to get it cleaned up."

And then she left the kitchen. 'The nerve! She didn't help me one little bit.'

When I was outside playing, I had a guilty conscience but I played anyway.  I seriously thought my mom and sister would clean up the kitchen because they would get sick of looking at it. I was so wrong.

Another time, my mom told me that I had to clean out my closet. Again, I argued with her - well, it wasn't an argument because I was the only one arguing - but I said something like, "This isn't fair! Hope should have to help me - we share the closet"

However, I was the messy one so, according to my mom, I was the one who needed to clean it. She probably also knew that if she had my sister help me, Hope would do it by herself, while I played.

My mom gave me a stool so I could reach the top shelves and she left me to clean it. I was so mad. I remember screaming and shouting and crying, thinking that would bring her in to negotiate the job with me or to help me. It did bring her in but only to close the door so she would not have to hear me. And then, when I increased the volume of my complaining and crying, she came in again, but this time it was to tell me, "If you want to keep screaming and crying, that's your choice - but you're still going to have to clean the closet, and you will end up with a headache." And with those words, she left, closing the door behind her. I guess I cleaned the closet.

And here's another thing about my mom. Even though she was matter-of-fact and no-nonsense, and didn't give into my strong will, she also had a very tender heart. I remember when I was so upset about our dog destroying my bathing suit and went to bed in tears, unbeknownst to me, she stayed up all night, making a new skirt for my bathing suit. When I got up the next morning, there it was on my chair at the breakfast table. I didn't really appreciate her sacrifice at the time, but I was so overjoyed - I hugged her in a way that I don't think I had ever hugged her before. I have never forgotten. There are more details to that story, but nevertheless, this captures who she was.

She really did have a good balance. I think it was just her putting God's Word into action combined with her God-given wisdom and common sense approach to things.

Strong-willed children are going to be fine as long as parents walk closely with God, hold the line, and keep them accountable. I learned that from my mom. I learned that there's no need to lose your cool or your hope that God works when you don't see it.

God is capable of molding and shaping strong wills and stubborn hearts as they are directed and given to Him. He molds those traits into a very strong, courageous person who will stand strong for Him. We must trust God to help our children with that, and He will. He certainly did it with me.

When I was a child, all of my family would describe me as the girl "who wanted her way no matter what."

That would hurt my feelings at the time. But it was true. I can remember digging in my heels, folding my arms, and just being so mad when I didn't get my way. I can remember pouting, hoping my moods would change my parents' minds. I don't remember ever changing my parents' minds about anything. I do remember having to sit in the swivel rocker in our living room, separate from the entire family, until I worked it out. I usually did - but it took a while - and my mom didn't keep coming in to check on me, to stroke me, or negotiate with me.  She waited.

God was working during my childhood and I remember being convicted of my sin. I remember feeling so guilty that one Christmas when I secretly switched dolls with my sister. (I had slept with mine and her hair was crumpled.) But even as I was doing it, I felt the weight of my sin. I not only switched those dolls, but I lied about it. Yet, God was working on my heart – no one can see what God is doing in the heart, but when He broke my will and got through to me, it started showing up on the outside. Little by little, my own way gave way to His way. And my parents saw that. I'm sure my mom in her quiet time with God was thanking Him for His work in the background of my life.  

I also need to say that with my mom's biblical no-nonsense approach, there was also a mom who was very encouraging with my strengths. I can still remember when I would write poetry or stories, she would read them, and share them with her friends, as if I was the greatest poet or novelist who ever existed. I remember that too. I remember once when I drew a picture that had mountains in the background, and forsythias in the foreground, how she reacted as if I was the greatest artist who ever lived – maybe, at least in my mind, like Mary Cassatt.

I don't think my mom ever read a parenting book on dealing with a strong-willed child. But she read her Bible which is filled with practical, no-nonsense wisdom and with her trust in God, she hit the nail on my stubborn head.

When I became an adult, she was and still is my biggest cheerleader. As I grew up, I don't remember her being discouraged over her strong-willed daughter. Maybe she was, but I never saw it. I saw her as the one who would not give in to my whiny fits but also as the one who encouraged me the most.

All of us have our strengths and weaknesses in our personalities, and none are better or necessarily worse than others.  As they are given to the Lord, and as we apply His Word practically in our lives, He molds us and shapes us for His glory and for our good. And He uses just how He made us in the lives of those around us. He takes our little bit and multiplies it.  Not one of us is perfect in our parenting. But God knows our frame, He remembers that we are but dust, and in spite of it all, He works through us in the lives of our children.

We have so many examples in Scripture of strong-willed people. God captured their hearts and used them mightily: Moses, Miriam, Rahab, Daniel, Esther, Jochabed, Hannah, Nehemiah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Mary, the mother of Jesus, John the Baptist, Paul ... and the list could continue.

I am still strong-willed, but by God's grace, I'm strong willed about things that matter.
I still must trust God with my stubborn heart, and my wanting my own way, no matter what. I still must take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and submit to His way. His way is always right.

So, for those of you with a stubborn, strong-willed child, – remember Isaiah 53:6, "All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him."

That is the power of the cross. God wants to save us from our own way. And that is why He sent His Son. Continue to walk with God and pray for your child's salvation as you walk with God and trust Him.